5/20/14

If God can keep the galaxies and the universe in their right & proper places. Spinning. Glowing. Beautifying. Glorifying Him... Then who am I to feel I "have no purpose" "no direction" or clear "goals" for my life?

Walking down the road I can see the tops of trees for miles down to the town below.

Mountains, hills, waterfalls and the pines that stretch skyward.

"Lord the beauty, the attention, the detail You've created in this land!"

"Hannah, you are the beauty, the gem, the ruby. You are my prize among creation. I cherish you". 

Thank you, Lord. 

Overwhelmed-I walk home with a renewed realization of worth. 

No, pricelesness.

~Hannah

Quiet. Peace. A week of sophisticated (if not selfish) living.

This past week I had the rare opportunity of being the only human in our great 
big house (and 26 acre surrounding woodlands). 
To say I had a chance for self-exploration would be an understatement. 

My father and I flew home from vacation a week before the rest of the family. 

He had to work and I got to be secretary for a few days of the week. 
Bittersweet. I'd miss them to be sure.
But selfishly...honestly, the thought of that great big space all to myself (at 
least while dad was at work) sounded like bliss. 
I'd relax, do some painting, reignite my love affair with books. 
Then something happened. 
Not a tragedy or a wonderful thing or any epic event really...
Just a switch in my head. 
Someday I want to be married.
A wife. 
And, I want to be a good one. 
What a better place and time to practice being a servant-like, submissive, 
honoring, helpful help-meet? 
Granted my dad is well...my dad. 
But I do love him. I love to bless him. 
So why not?
Head down, mind prepared, apron donned.
I have a mission. 
Let's do this. 
And so my blissful week of relaxing and living like a 20-something in summertime 
took a slightly different rout...
Chopping vegetables and marinating chicken in preparation for dinner while 
listening to lectures & tutorials on YouTube and simultaneously getting the house scrubbed 

clean, knowing I only have 20 minutes before I have to get in the shower and 40 before 
I must be at work. 
Staying up until 1:00AM doing laundry that I know needs doing before 
tomorrow. (laughing at floating dust bunnies and the blanket on 
the bed because I'm so tired).
Never was there a more treasured week, one filled with more precious moments, or 
one of greater satisfaction at the end of my days than this one. 
I worked hard. 
Physically and spiritually. 
I was satisfied. 

(tzatziki in the making)

“So where are you going to college?”

“Well, I don't have any plans as far as that goes. 

As of right now I’m actually working for my father and I’ve done some modeling on the side. 

Then of course living at home I get to help my mom homeschool the younger kids and--” 

“Oh... 

I see. Well you know you’ve got a lot of potential, it’s probably a good idea to start thinking about that.”

End of awkward irritating conversation #388. 

I’m not defective. I’m not lazy. I am different.

“If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.”

~John 15:19

Just because I don’t dream of becoming a high profile doctor or an infamous lawyer, that doesn’t mean I will “waste away my life”!

I have a dream (cue the Tangled soundtrack).

I dream of raising beautiful warriors for God’s army. 

I dream of being the very best soulmate & helpmeet I can to my future husband. 

Of loving him and joyfully assisting him in his work for the Lord.

I dream of traveling often with my husband and children.

I dream of painting in my house by the sea, 

in my spare time;)

Do I have an explicitly detailed plan of how to go about achieving my dreams? Well, no. 

But maybe that’s not all bad. In not having the years to come mapped out, I’m learning how that forces me more than ever to seek Jesus as my goal for every little decision.

I’m not as secure in my decision to abstain from the traditional collegiate route as I’d like to be. And the lack of support I get from society is overwhelming at times. 

While my “plan” is to simply chase Jesus, I seem attacked at every turn by another human telling me how I must take control of my future.

 “What are you doing with you’re life?”

 “Don’t you know what you want to be by now?”

 “So how will you make a living?”  

And the ever so eloquent: 

“But like..what do you like...do?”

These people may mean well. But lately I’ve been having to remind myself that I am not to be of this world. And the goals and aspirations which our culture holds in so high esteem are in fact, completely meaningless. 

This is so very difficult to remember sometimes. Though I do not know what tomorrow holds, I know the One who holds the pages of the story of my life, which I have yet to read. 

“In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

~ John 16:33

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Wednesday  May  22    2013

Somehow I've  come  to  assume  that my  family  shall  fulfill  all the  duties and expectations of  some  quint  essential  happy  hallmark  movie  household… 

Children  who joyfully (and somewhat  quietly) skip around singing  & dancing,  and  of  course happily   pick  up  after  themselves.

 A  mother  who's  always  smiling  as  she  bakes never ending pies and throws lavish  tea parties. 

And  a  father  with  a  cheerful  disposition  who  always  has  time  for  a  chat  or  a  walk. 

…right.   So  um  then  I  wake  up. 

Ugh, wouldn't  it  seem  easy  to  give  love  to  a  perfect family.  I  have  a  beautiful  family, don't  mistake  me! But  we  live  in  a  fallen  world, I  know.  And  that  perfection  is  not  come  yet.  Besides,  there's  a  lot  for  me  to  learn  in  this  current  imperfect  situation. 

Truly  loving  someone;  being  patient  with  a  person  whom  you're  convinced  is  being absolutely  ridiculous..well,  to  me  that  is  nearly  impossible.  Tension,  argument,  anger  all seem  inevitable  as  I  grasp  at  vain  attempts  to  prove  myself  "the  better  person". 

Then  I  hear  the  Spirit  tell  me, 

"This  is  not  of  your  own  strength,  nor  was  it  meant  to  be. You  need  me  Hannah".

This  kind  of  faithful  patience  comes  only  through  Jesus  and  His  Holy  Spirit  as  He works  and  speaks  through  me.  Again  I  am  humbled.  All  that  work  to  muster  the strength  to  be  patient,  to  love  through  my  own  efforts… and  all  I  had  to  do  was  take  a deep  breath  and  turn  it  over  to  Him.

Refine  me  Lord, through  the  flame. 

Oh  that  the  Grace  of  God  would  teach  me. 

Grant  me  a  heart  willing  to  learn. 

To  learn  how  to  really  love.